Анекдот - 2

[Catherin]

[Me]

http://www.comedyportal.net/comedyclub/ ... _vypusk_80" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Особенно последняя миниатюра, про сфинкса

[Olenka]

Company Policy:

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see
you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly , you need to
learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where
you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday &
Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract. ,the stall door will open, and a
picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders Category”. Anyone
caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental
health policy.

Lunch Break.

Skinny people get 60 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 10
minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fastю

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience -
Management.

[ИгНат]

[Eug9n9]

Мужская логика строго противоположна женской.
Женская: если нельзя, но сильно хочется, то можно.
Мужская: если нужно, но сильно не хочется, можно не делать.

[ИгНат]

[pupkivas]

Астрономы сообщили что летит большой астероид на Землю, все ждут конец света
21 декабря. Военные пытаются сбить астероид с курса, ничего не получается. На
Земле паника. Короче трындец. Астероид заходит в плотные слои атмосферы, теряет
в весе и грохается в районе Мексики. Оседает пыль, люди подходят ближе. На земле
стоит каменная плита, на ней надпись: Календарь Майя с 22/12/2012 по 30/05/3005г.
Спасибо что пользуетесь нашим календарём!

[Lili4ka]

[ИгНат]

[Lili4ka]

Лингвистический анекдот.
Чижик по-английски будет "SISКIN".
Вопрос: как по-английски будет "чижик-пыжик"?

***************
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English.”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k.” This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v.”

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis & evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[ИгНат]

Случайное открытие двери в школьную подсобку обернулось для Серёжи в пожизненную «пятёрку» по русскому языку и по физкультуре.

[Olenka]

http://img-fotki.yandex.ru/get/4906/448 ... dd5_XL.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Для IT- специалистов

[Olenka]

Уж не за это ли его кастрировать собирались, Бибера-то?

[Бойцовый кролик]

Учим государственные языки Канады:

[ИгНат]

Отец восьмерых дочек психанул и назвал девятую Серёга.

[Catherin]

[Бойцовый кролик]

[Lili4ka]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WL1XLN ... re=mh_lolz" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[ИгНат]

Продавщица-кассирше:
-Манька,скажи этим ханурикам, чтобы 72-й портвейн не выбивали-кончился!
Манька:
-Ladies and Gentelmens, attention please! Portwein number 72 is over:Thank you!

[Me]

http://martinvalasek.com/blog/pictures- ... opers-life