Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2010:
El Loggero se habla with the truckero y se ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y etc.
Юмор и отношения с соседями
-
Nikola
- диагноз: Джентльмен
- Сообщения: 1959
- Зарегистрирован: Вс июн 12, 2005 8:21 pm
- Откуда: Montreal
Profit margin измеряется в процентах. В долларах измеряется собственно profit.Pavel писал(а):Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Последний раз редактировалось Nikola Вс май 21, 2006 11:16 pm, всего редактировалось 1 раз.
-
Elena-Alex
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 618
- Зарегистрирован: Вт апр 25, 2006 9:43 pm
- Откуда: Canada, Ottawa
Немного чисто канадских шуток о семье, разводе и вещах, связанных с этим.
Sure, married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
I got a new car for my wife. It was a great trade.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Мне кажется, что эти шутки очень похожи на наши, есть основания пологать, что мы в некоторых вопросах смеемся над тем же, над чем и канадцы.
Sure, married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
I got a new car for my wife. It was a great trade.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Мне кажется, что эти шутки очень похожи на наши, есть основания пологать, что мы в некоторых вопросах смеемся над тем же, над чем и канадцы.
-
Elena-Alex
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 618
- Зарегистрирован: Вт апр 25, 2006 9:43 pm
- Откуда: Canada, Ottawa
- Вот шутка типа Canada vs the USA:
Eagles may soar but beavers don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Что канадцы говорят по поводу чтения:
The brain can only absorb what the ass can endure.
- Шутка о разнообразии мнений:
Opinions are like assholes: everyone has it.
- Немного канадского юмора о женской чистоте:
Q: Is she a virgin?
A: Are you kidding? She spreads like peanut butter.
- О глупости:
He's skating on the wrong surface of the ice.
- О безобразной внешности:
The doctor took one look at him after his birth and told his mother, "If this doesn't start to cry in ten seconds, it was a uterine tumour!"
- Если кто-то занимается ерундой и теряет время зря:
Kicking soft shit.
Eagles may soar but beavers don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Что канадцы говорят по поводу чтения:
The brain can only absorb what the ass can endure.
- Шутка о разнообразии мнений:
Opinions are like assholes: everyone has it.
- Немного канадского юмора о женской чистоте:
Q: Is she a virgin?
A: Are you kidding? She spreads like peanut butter.
- О глупости:
He's skating on the wrong surface of the ice.
- О безобразной внешности:
The doctor took one look at him after his birth and told his mother, "If this doesn't start to cry in ten seconds, it was a uterine tumour!"
- Если кто-то занимается ерундой и теряет время зря:
Kicking soft shit.
-
Elena-Alex
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 618
- Зарегистрирован: Вт апр 25, 2006 9:43 pm
- Откуда: Canada, Ottawa
Немного шуток, где видно, добрососедские отношения канадцев и американцев
It is said that a American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, (What is your opinion of American civilization)?
Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, ( I think it would be an excellent idea).
***
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I’m a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I’d be an American."
***
А тут и о нас вспомнили
A Russian, a American and a Canadian are out riding horses. The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of vodka, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The American looks at him and says, (What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!) The Russian says, (In Russia, there's plenty of Vodka and bottles are cheap.)
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the American pulls out a bottle of Whiskey, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Canada can't believe this and says, (What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Whiskey!)
The American says (In America there's plenty of Whiskey and bottles are cheap.)
So a while later the guy from Canada pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the American.
The Russian, shocked, says, (Why did you do that?)
The Canadian says, (Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Americans, but bottles are worth a dime.)
***
Помню было на форуме пару слов о каное и чего там можно делать...
You know, American beer is like making love in a canoe.............
$@#%ING WATER!!!!
***
An American couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
(Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?)
The pedestrian smiled, said (Saskatoon, Saskatchewan), and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said (Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English.)
***
И о блондинках они любят пошутить, а тем более если они из Америки
An american blonde walks into a Canadian library and proceeds to the help desk. Once there, she rings the bell for service and the librarian pops out. "hi, can I like, you know, like, get a chicken salad and a diet coke?". After an akward pause, the librarian replies "um... this is a library...". " Ohhh! sorry" says the blonde. Then she whispers very quietly, "can i have a chicken sandwich and a diet coke?".
***
А вот и чукчи
So these 2 newfie brothers move to Toronto and they are looking for jobs.They look everywhere, always having no luck. They decide to go to an employment agency. They are in the waiting room and the receptionist tells the first newfie brother to go in and see the employment counsellor. "So", says the counsellor, "what kind of work experience do you have?" "Well", says newfie brother 1," back home,I'm a woodcutter!" all proud of himself. The counsellor looks at him funny and says, "well we don't have alot of trees to be cut in Toronto, but if anything comes up we'll keep you in mind, NEXT" "Okey Doke" says newfie brother 1, and he leaves. Newfie brother 2 then goes in to see the counsellor."What kind of job experience do YOU have?" "I",says newfie brother 2, "am a pilot"
" Oh really? We may be able to help you" says the counsellor. To which newfie brother 2 says, beaming with pride,"YES, 'bye, my brudder, he cuts the wood and me I PILE IT!"
HARHARHAR!
***
There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
(I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes.)
So the Newfie says (I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish)
Like that, the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said (I want a wall around Quebec, so no one will get in.)
And like that, there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says (Tell me more about this wall.)
The genie says (Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.)
So the Vancouver guy says (Fill it up with water.)
***
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
***
А этот, по моему мнению, самый классный анекдот о полит. корректности
Q : How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are
It is said that a American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, (What is your opinion of American civilization)?
Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, ( I think it would be an excellent idea).
***
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I’m a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I’d be an American."
***
А тут и о нас вспомнили
A Russian, a American and a Canadian are out riding horses. The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of vodka, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The American looks at him and says, (What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!) The Russian says, (In Russia, there's plenty of Vodka and bottles are cheap.)
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the American pulls out a bottle of Whiskey, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Canada can't believe this and says, (What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Whiskey!)
The American says (In America there's plenty of Whiskey and bottles are cheap.)
So a while later the guy from Canada pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the American.
The Russian, shocked, says, (Why did you do that?)
The Canadian says, (Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Americans, but bottles are worth a dime.)
***
Помню было на форуме пару слов о каное и чего там можно делать...
You know, American beer is like making love in a canoe.............
$@#%ING WATER!!!!
***
An American couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
(Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?)
The pedestrian smiled, said (Saskatoon, Saskatchewan), and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said (Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English.)
***
И о блондинках они любят пошутить, а тем более если они из Америки
An american blonde walks into a Canadian library and proceeds to the help desk. Once there, she rings the bell for service and the librarian pops out. "hi, can I like, you know, like, get a chicken salad and a diet coke?". After an akward pause, the librarian replies "um... this is a library...". " Ohhh! sorry" says the blonde. Then she whispers very quietly, "can i have a chicken sandwich and a diet coke?".
***
А вот и чукчи
So these 2 newfie brothers move to Toronto and they are looking for jobs.They look everywhere, always having no luck. They decide to go to an employment agency. They are in the waiting room and the receptionist tells the first newfie brother to go in and see the employment counsellor. "So", says the counsellor, "what kind of work experience do you have?" "Well", says newfie brother 1," back home,I'm a woodcutter!" all proud of himself. The counsellor looks at him funny and says, "well we don't have alot of trees to be cut in Toronto, but if anything comes up we'll keep you in mind, NEXT" "Okey Doke" says newfie brother 1, and he leaves. Newfie brother 2 then goes in to see the counsellor."What kind of job experience do YOU have?" "I",says newfie brother 2, "am a pilot"
" Oh really? We may be able to help you" says the counsellor. To which newfie brother 2 says, beaming with pride,"YES, 'bye, my brudder, he cuts the wood and me I PILE IT!"
HARHARHAR!
***
There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
(I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes.)
So the Newfie says (I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish)
Like that, the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said (I want a wall around Quebec, so no one will get in.)
And like that, there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says (Tell me more about this wall.)
The genie says (Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.)
So the Vancouver guy says (Fill it up with water.)
***
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
***
А этот, по моему мнению, самый классный анекдот о полит. корректности
Q : How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are
Сидят два канацких рыбака на лодке, ловят рыбу. Недалеко мост, по нему проходит похоронная процессия, хоронят женщину. Один из рыбаков встает, снимает шляпу, и так стоит пока процессия не скрылась из виду. Второй рыбак говорит ему:
- Послушай, Билл. Никогда бы не подумал, что ты такой сентиментальный.
Тот отвечает:
- Знаешь, Гарри. С этой женщиной я прожил сорок лет...
- Послушай, Билл. Никогда бы не подумал, что ты такой сентиментальный.
Тот отвечает:
- Знаешь, Гарри. С этой женщиной я прожил сорок лет...
День первый
Хакер приходит в общественную столовую и с возмущением обнаруживает, что солонку на столе может открутить кто попало и насыпать туда что угодно. Хакер приходит домой и пишет гневное письмо директору столовой: "Я, meG@Duc|, обнаружил уязвимость солонки в Вашей столовой. Злоумышленник может вскрыть солонку и насыпать туда яду! Примите меры срочно!"
День второй
Директор среди прочих деловых писем, запросов о поставках еды и курьерских уведомлений получает письмо, и пожимает плечами: "Кому этот бред только в голову пришёл?"
День пятый
Хакер приходит в столовую, насыпает во все солонки яду. Погибает триста человек, директора три месяца таскают по судам и в конце концов оправдывают за отсутствием состава преступления. Хакер пишет письмо в стиле "ну что, видали?".
День 96-ой
Директор покупает специально спроектированные солонки с кодовым замком. Посетители столовой чувствуют, что они в этой жизни чего-то не понимают.
День 97-ой
Хакер обнаруживает, что дырки в солонках пропускают соль в обе стороны. И не только соль, а вообще всё, что угодно. Он пишет возмущенное письмо директору и ссыт во все солонки столовой. Триста человек перестают посещать эту столовую вообще, тридцать попадают в больницы с отравлением. Хакер вдогонку посылает директору смс-ку "Ну как вам?". Директора тем временем три месяца таскают по судам и дают год условно.
День 188-ой
Директор столовой клянется в жизни больше не работать ни в одной столовой, а тихо-мирно грузить лес в Сибири. Инженеры работают над новой солонкой с односторонним клапаном. Официантки тем временем изымают все старые солонки и раздают соль вручную.
День 190-ый
Хакер тырит солонку из столовой и изучает дома её устройство. Пишет гневное письмо директору: "Я, meG@Duc|, стырил солонку и нахожу этот факт возмутительным! Любой может стырить солонку из Вашей столовой!" До этого непьющий директор читает письмо, идет домой и выпивает водки.
День 193-ый
Хакер обнаруживает, что все солонки в столовой прибиты цепями к столам. Он приезжает на очередной хакерский СПРЫГ и докладывает о своих успехах, получая там заслуженную награду за защиту интересов общества и потребителя. К счастью, директор ничего про это не знает и не сопьется раньше времени.
День 194-ый
В рамках дьявольски гениально продуманной операции хакеры всем СПРЫГом вламываются в столовую и высыпают соль из всех солонок себе в карманы. Хакер meG@Duc| пишет позмущенное письмо директору, намекая на то, что никакой заботы о посетителях в столовой нет и любой гад может лишить честных людей соли в одно мгновение. Дозатор соли с авторизацией необходим просто позарез.
День 196-ый
Инженеры в поте лица работают над новой солонкой, пока официантки опять раздают соль вручную. Директор уезжает в отпуск на сейшельские острова и обедает только в номере, избегая столовых, ресторанов и баров.
День 200-ый
Посетители столовой с ужасом находят, что чтобы насыпать соли, они должны подойти к официанту, предъявить паспорт, получить специальный 8-значный одноразовый код к солонке. Для получения перца процедуру следует повторить.
Хакер приходит в общественную столовую и с возмущением обнаруживает, что солонку на столе может открутить кто попало и насыпать туда что угодно. Хакер приходит домой и пишет гневное письмо директору столовой: "Я, meG@Duc|, обнаружил уязвимость солонки в Вашей столовой. Злоумышленник может вскрыть солонку и насыпать туда яду! Примите меры срочно!"
День второй
Директор среди прочих деловых писем, запросов о поставках еды и курьерских уведомлений получает письмо, и пожимает плечами: "Кому этот бред только в голову пришёл?"
День пятый
Хакер приходит в столовую, насыпает во все солонки яду. Погибает триста человек, директора три месяца таскают по судам и в конце концов оправдывают за отсутствием состава преступления. Хакер пишет письмо в стиле "ну что, видали?".
День 96-ой
Директор покупает специально спроектированные солонки с кодовым замком. Посетители столовой чувствуют, что они в этой жизни чего-то не понимают.
День 97-ой
Хакер обнаруживает, что дырки в солонках пропускают соль в обе стороны. И не только соль, а вообще всё, что угодно. Он пишет возмущенное письмо директору и ссыт во все солонки столовой. Триста человек перестают посещать эту столовую вообще, тридцать попадают в больницы с отравлением. Хакер вдогонку посылает директору смс-ку "Ну как вам?". Директора тем временем три месяца таскают по судам и дают год условно.
День 188-ой
Директор столовой клянется в жизни больше не работать ни в одной столовой, а тихо-мирно грузить лес в Сибири. Инженеры работают над новой солонкой с односторонним клапаном. Официантки тем временем изымают все старые солонки и раздают соль вручную.
День 190-ый
Хакер тырит солонку из столовой и изучает дома её устройство. Пишет гневное письмо директору: "Я, meG@Duc|, стырил солонку и нахожу этот факт возмутительным! Любой может стырить солонку из Вашей столовой!" До этого непьющий директор читает письмо, идет домой и выпивает водки.
День 193-ый
Хакер обнаруживает, что все солонки в столовой прибиты цепями к столам. Он приезжает на очередной хакерский СПРЫГ и докладывает о своих успехах, получая там заслуженную награду за защиту интересов общества и потребителя. К счастью, директор ничего про это не знает и не сопьется раньше времени.
День 194-ый
В рамках дьявольски гениально продуманной операции хакеры всем СПРЫГом вламываются в столовую и высыпают соль из всех солонок себе в карманы. Хакер meG@Duc| пишет позмущенное письмо директору, намекая на то, что никакой заботы о посетителях в столовой нет и любой гад может лишить честных людей соли в одно мгновение. Дозатор соли с авторизацией необходим просто позарез.
День 196-ый
Инженеры в поте лица работают над новой солонкой, пока официантки опять раздают соль вручную. Директор уезжает в отпуск на сейшельские острова и обедает только в номере, избегая столовых, ресторанов и баров.
День 200-ый
Посетители столовой с ужасом находят, что чтобы насыпать соли, они должны подойти к официанту, предъявить паспорт, получить специальный 8-значный одноразовый код к солонке. Для получения перца процедуру следует повторить.
“I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance”
"People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people"
"People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people"
A quebecois walks along Saint Laurent river and sees a man itneding to drink from the river. He runs towards him, crying:
- Ne bois pas! Ne bois pas! (don't drink)
The man turns, looks at the quebecois and asks:
- I'm sorry? What did you say?
The quebecois, smiling maliciously, switches to English and says:
- Drink SLOWLY!
- Ne bois pas! Ne bois pas! (don't drink)
The man turns, looks at the quebecois and asks:
- I'm sorry? What did you say?
The quebecois, smiling maliciously, switches to English and says:
- Drink SLOWLY!
Всё написанное выше - имхо!
-
kf095
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 993
- Зарегистрирован: Вс сен 17, 2006 9:13 am
- Откуда: Милтон, что в Онтарио
- Контактная информация:
Начальник сегодня прислал по почте.
Традиция такая на фирме. Под рождество шутки слать.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation,
or BASKETBALL.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh
Традиция такая на фирме. Под рождество шутки слать.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation,
or BASKETBALL.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh
Эх, хорошо в стране канадской ж:жить.
СУПЕР!!!! 
Не стоит прогибаться под изменчивый мир. Пусть лучше он прогнется под нас.
А.Макаревич, Машина Времени
А.Макаревич, Машина Времени
-
Elena-Alex
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 618
- Зарегистрирован: Вт апр 25, 2006 9:43 pm
- Откуда: Canada, Ottawa
В данной шутке я на мужской стороне 
!!!!!!!!
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to
be:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
!!!!!!!!How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to
be:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
-
kf095
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 993
- Зарегистрирован: Вс сен 17, 2006 9:13 am
- Откуда: Милтон, что в Онтарио
- Контактная информация:
Остается добавить, что эту шутку шефу жена прислала. Это часть предрождественской традиции фирмы. Жены просто в больших конторах, а там эти шутки постоянно циркулируют.
Эх, хорошо в стране канадской ж:жить.
-
kf095
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 993
- Зарегистрирован: Вс сен 17, 2006 9:13 am
- Откуда: Милтон, что в Онтарио
- Контактная информация:
Канадцкость в юморе это когда американцев и Буша в частности представляют полными лопухами и когда изображают индейцев примерно теми же лопухами.
Как канадец чили ел:
Subject: Chronicles of non-Native Texan Chili Taster
From my favorite Texan.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from Connecticut:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the fire out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a toxic waste spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac, or what?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The chili cook seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Как канадец чили ел:
Subject: Chronicles of non-Native Texan Chili Taster
From my favorite Texan.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from Connecticut:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the fire out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a toxic waste spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac, or what?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The chili cook seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Эх, хорошо в стране канадской ж:жить.
Check out the show "Kenny vs Spenny". It is shot in Toronto. I am a big fan.
http://www.showcase.ca/microsites/kennyvsspenny/
http://www.showcase.ca/microsites/kennyvsspenny/
-
Elena-Alex
- Strictly Addicted
- Сообщения: 618
- Зарегистрирован: Вт апр 25, 2006 9:43 pm
- Откуда: Canada, Ottawa
Дорогие форумчане!
Вот эту шутку мне прислала девушка чисто канадского происхождения (в подтверждение тог, что и наш юмор им доступен)
An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper
on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite perogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was
already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached for a
perogie at the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with
a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off." she said. "They're for the funeral."
Вот эту шутку мне прислала девушка чисто канадского происхождения (в подтверждение тог, что и наш юмор им доступен)
An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper
on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite perogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was
already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached for a
perogie at the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with
a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off." she said. "They're for the funeral."
