skiselev, смешно! Спасибо. Добавлю и я чуток.
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The Atheist Neighbor
There was an old Christian lady who needed to go get some groceries. She went outside to get in her car, but noticed that someone had slashed her tires. So she knelt down prayed to the Lord to provide her needs.
Her atheist neighbor happened to be standing in his yard next door. He said "Oh come on, don't tell me you believe that stuff!" The Christian lady said "Yep, I am trusting in the Lord to provide". So the lady goes in for the rest of the night.
The next morning she comes out and sees dozens of bags of groceries sitting on her front porch. She looks at her car and notices brand new tires. She then knelt down and prayed "Lord thank you for providing for me".
At that moment the atheist neighbor jumped out from some bushes and said "Ha! I got ya! I bought all this with my money! It was all me!"
Then the Christian lady knelt down again and prayed "Lord, thank you for providing all this for me, and for making the devil pay for it."
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There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
Rule 2:
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The Four Stages Of Life
1 You believe in Santa Claus.
2 You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3 You are Santa Claus.
4 You look like Santa Claus.
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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
---
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the
pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. (Ink won't flow down to the writing
surface) In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting
(Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars. They
developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in
practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from
below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
The Russians used a pencil ...
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A Deep Voice
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears
a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having
hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice
again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands,
and after a bit, he finds a small chest with
a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a
rock with which to break the lock, and when the
chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the
man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of
roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the
27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
My grandad died in a concentration camp.
He fell out the lookout tower.
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Moral: Merketing is alfa and omega.
A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream: "I am ashamed of myself. This crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The bearer said to the pot: "Did you notice that there are flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw and so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
---
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
"Damn!" he says, "That's the third queer rooster I bought this month."
---
An old Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy t o Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
---
An alien walks into a gay bar and sits next to a muscular guy. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says: "... bloop, bloop, bloop!"
The annoyed guy looks at him and says," If you do that again I will cut your hand off with this here knife!"
The alien just did it again and said bloop, bloop, bloop! In anger the guycuts off the alien's hand. Immediately another one grows back. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder again and says: "... bloop, bloop, bloop!"
The guy says if you do that again I will cut off your dick! The gay alien did it again so in his anger the guy pulls down the aliens pants and is shocked to see that there is no dick! In his astonishment he asks," If you don't have a dick then how do you have sex?"
The gay alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says, "..... bloop, bloop, bloop!"
----
One day my six year old asked, "Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
I said, "Go ask your mother... he'll tell you."
-------
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."
------
The Salesman
Henry Leech was a salesman. He sold vacuum cleaners. He was a good salesman and he sold lots of vacuum cleaners. One week the manager sent Henry into the countryside. He drove out of town and stopped at a farmhouse. He knocked at the door and the farmer's wife opened it. Henry started talking immediately.
"Madam, how much time do you spend sweeping the floors of this house?"
"A lot of time. This is a farm. The floors get dirty quickly," she replied.
"And how much time do you spend beating the carpets?"
"A lot of time. My husband always forgets to take off his boots."
"And how much time do you spend cleaning the sofa and armchairs?"
"A lot of time. The dog always sits on them," she replied.
Henry smiled at the farmer's wife and said, "Madam, this is your lucky day. I am going to show you something that will change your life."
Henry showed her his vacuum cleaner and said, "You can clean the house in minutes with this machine."
The farmer's wife did not look interested.
Henry took out a big bag. It was full of dirt and very small pieces of paper. He opened the bag and threw the dirt and paper over the floor and carpets of the farmhouse. The farmer's wife was very surprised. Before she could speak, Henry said, "Madam, if this machine does not pick up all the dirt and paper, I will eat the dirt and paper."
The farmer's wife looked at Henry and said, "I'll get you a spoon. My house doesn't have any electricity."
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The Businessman
Mr Kane was a tough but successful businessman. Ten years ago, he started a small business. One day his son, Peter, came to him and said that he wanted to be a businessman like his father. Mr Kane told him that you had to be tough to succeed in business. He wanted Peter to go to university and become a lawyer, a teacher, or a doctor. However, his son was stubborn and refused. He only wanted to be a businessman and urged his father to help him.
"Please, Dad. Teach me how to be a successful businessman."
Reluctantly, Mr Kane agreed to his son's request.
"Okay, Peter. First of all I want you to walk down to the wall at the bottom of the garden." Peter looked at his father and said,
"But what has that got to do with business, dad?"
"Don't ask questions. Trust me and do what I say," he replied. Peter was puzzled but
he walked to the wail. His father continued, "Now climb up the ladder and stand on top of the wall."
Again Peter protested, "But I don't see how this will help me to be a businessman."
"Don't ask questions. Trust me and do what I say," Mr Kane said.
Peter climbed up the ladder and stood on top of the wall. It was six metres high and Peter felt his legs begin to shake.
"Now. Jump down into the garden," his father said.
"But I can't. I'll injure myself," Peter protested.
"Do you want to become a successful businessman or not?
"Yes, of course," Peter cried.
"Then trust me. I know what I am doing. Jump!"
Peter jumped into the garden and broke both his legs. As he screamed in pain his father came over to him and said, Son, always remember that the first rule in business is - NEVER TRUST ANYBODY.
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The Debaters
Debating is a very popular activity in Great Britain. For the British, it is important to be able to speak well and to speak convincingly. As a result there are many debating clubs and societies in schools and universities to train people to debate well.
Each year there is a competition to find the country's best debater. One year the finalists were Steven Swan from England and Magnus MacDonald from Scotland.
They were two very different characters, both in appearance and personality. Steven Swan was a short and very fat man. He weighed over 200 kilos and he was shaped like a ball. He was a very sociable man. Steven was always with friends and he never stopped talking. He spent a great amount of his time in expensive London restaurants debating with politicians and businessmen. They always paid the bills so Stephen ate enormous amounts of food.
Magnus MacDonald, on the other hand, was almost the complete opposite. He was tall and very, very thin. He looked like a pencil and he seemed to be just skin and bones. Magnus lived in a small Scottish town so he was quite unknown. He was a quiet man who spent most of his time reading books in the library. He never spoke unless it was necessary. 'Never waste words' was one of his favourite sayings.
On the day of the final a large crowd waited anxiously to see and hear the two finalists. They entered the debating room and stood looking at each other. This was the first time that they had met. Magnus was silent. Steven slowly looked at Magnus from head to toe and said, "So you are Magnus. Looking at you, anybody would think that there was a famine in Scotland."
The crowd laughed. Magnus waited until the laughter had stopped and replied coldly, Looking at you, anybody would think that you had caused it.
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The Sheep Farmer
Clive Donovan was a sheep farmer in Australia about a hundred years ago. He lived a very solitary life on his sheep farm four hundred kilometres from the nearest town.
Clive was not used to company so he did not say much. He was also a strict man who did not like to be disobeyed or criticised.
One day Clive read an article in the newspaper about a small group of young English women who wanted to come to Australia to marry Australian men. Clive wrote to the group and for the next six months he exchanged letters with a young lady called Mary Calderwood. To his surprise, Mary agreed to marry him.
Three months later Clive drove his wagon to the nearest railway station to meet Mary.
The wagon was pulled by two horses. Clive helped Mary up onto the wagon and they began the long journey to the farm. Clive did not say a word. Mary thought that living alone for so long had probably made him very shy. She decided to stay quiet.
After a kilometre one of the horses stood on a stone and stumbled. This shook the wagon and made Clive angry. He stood up, pointed at the horse and shouted, "That's one." Clive sat down again and they continued their journey in silence.
Ten kilometres later the same horse stumbled again. Clive pointed a finger at the horse and shouted angrily, "That's two." Mary thought that she saw fear in the eyes of the horse. She was new to Australia so she decided not to ask any questions.
However, twenty kilometres later the unfortunate horse stumbled for the third time. "That's three," thundered Clive as he jumped down from the wagon. He took out his gun and shot the terrified horse between the eyes. Mary was shocked. "Why did you do that?" she protested.
Clive turned slowly to his young wife and said, That's one.
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Pa-tun-ga
In deepest Africa, at the height of the colonisation of its many tribes by European countries, a British administrator was sent to a remote village to inform its inhabitants of their new status. He spoke directly to the gathered villagers.
"I am a humble representative of the British government and a proud servant of Queen Victoria. I have come to tell you of the great changes that will take place in your country under British rule. These changes will improve your lives beyond your wildest dreams."
The colonial administrator paused while his message was translated. In response the villagers rose to their feet in unison, struck the air with their fists and shouted 'Pa-tunga'.
The administrator had expected to find a passive, resigned and subdued people. This apparent display of enthusiasm was a pleasant surprise and he warmed to his task.
"We will build factories, establish banks and businesses. We will create roads and railways to service both the needs of industry and commerce. Your nation will become richer and your standard of living will rise accordingly. All this I promise you in the name of our great Queen Victoria."
Translation once again elicited a mighty cry of 'Pa-tun-ga' from the crowd. "We will build hospitals and bring you modern health care. Our physicians and their modern medicines will eradicate malaria and most of the debilitating diseases that are endemic in this region. We will make you a strong, healthy body of people."
The cries of 'Pa-tun-ga' grew in intensity. "We will build you schools and bring the finest teachers to educate you and your children. Within a decade the whole nation will be literate and numerate. We will drag you out of the Middle Ages and into the nineteenth century. Education is the key to progress and British rule will ensure this. Long live Queen Victoria."
"Pa-tun-ga! Pa-tun-ga! Pa-tun-ga!" The villagers were now leaping up and down. The colonial administrator was beginning to get carried away with himself and his oratory grew in pathos and grandeur. "And British justice. Who has not heard of British justice? We have developed the finest legal system the world has ever known. Crime will disappear from your lands and tribal disputes will be settled without the spilling of blood. British justice ensures a civilised society and that is what you deserve. God save Queen Victoria!"
The cries of 'Pa-tun-ga' echoed round the village square. Feeling pleased with himself the colonial administrator turned to the translator and said, "Well, that went down very well. And I like the sound of this expression 'Pa-tun-ga'. What exactly does it mean?"
The translator pointed in the direction of the next village and said, "On the path to the next village you will see many bulls. People must be careful not to step in the bull's patunga."
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Blonde Joke #1
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Stumpy
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Blonde joke #2
A redhead named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Chris Tarrant.
Tarrant: "Pam, you're up to ?500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million pounds. If you get it wrong, you drop back to ?32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Tarrant: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Tarrant: "Hello Carol, it's Chris Tarrant from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure." Tarrant: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the ?500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Tarrant: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes." Tarrant: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Carol: "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Blonde Joke #3 - Painting the Porch
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered the door and said to her, "Yes, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
'Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. 'Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is ?20 alright?" Julie asked.
'Yes, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house. His wife, who had been listening, said to him: '?20! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" 'Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. 'I'm all finished' she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah' Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" he man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie That's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
I Know Everyone
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
Blonde Joke #4 - Final Examination
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."
Indian Chief
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me-not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
" 'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me-not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.')
On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me-not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How!" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
Blonde Joke #5 - Last Words
There were women waiting to be executed. A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan. The redhead said, "I have an idea... follow my lead."
So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"TORNADO!" the she yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!
The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!
Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall. "Do you have any last words?" he asked. "No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"FIRE!"
No Tie
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.
The man said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!
Counts and Chickens
A King sent out an edict that all his noblemen should swear allegiance to his name and pay him a tribute in gold pieces every year on pain of death. Many Dukes and Barons agreed and handed over the gold pieces directly, for he was known to be a ruthless and terrible ruler. But there was one Count, although he was happy to swear his allegiance, steadfastly refused to pay the tribute.
The King was troubled as to what to do, for he was very fond of this particular Count, so he threw him into jail, telling him he had a week to change his mind before he would be executed. At the end of a week, the King asked the Count if he would pay the money now rather than lose his life, but the Count said no - he would rather die. "Very well", said the King, you shall be beheaded at dawn tomorrow.
Dawn came, and the Count was taken to the castle roof, where a chopping block was in place and a tall executioner in a black robe was standing waiting with a large axe. Once again the King spoke to the Count: "This is your last chance - will you pay me?" "No, never!", he replied. At this the King gave the signal to the executioner. The Count layed down with his neck on the block, and the executioner stood beside him and raised up his mighty axe. Just as he started his swing, the Count let out a mighty cry: "Stop! I'll pay!" But it was too late - the axe fell and his head was sliced off and fell to the ground in a pool of blood.
The moral of the story is, of course, clear: You should never hatchet your Counts until they've chickened!
Rome
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced" " So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in on of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a ?25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"
A Mouse on Mars
NASA have just released this official photograph of the mouse found on Mars
Click Here
http://www.begent.org/photos/mars.jpg
Italian Bronx Joke
Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?"
When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew".
Blonde Joke #6 - Not so Dumb Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from London to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me ?5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me ?5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you ?500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a ?5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-worker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her ?500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer ?5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive - at least, I don’t think I’m dead yet. I’ll be sure and tell you when I am.I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since.
Now, about your father. He has a lovely job. He has five hundred people under him. He is cutting the grass at the local cemetery. It’s in the dead centre of town
Your sister, Mary, had a baby two days ago. I’m not sure yet whether it’s a boy, girl or a child, so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or uncle. It was a honeymoon baby. The wedding’s next month. When the baby was born it was so ugly that the midwife slapped your sister and not the baby. Last week, your uncle Seamus drowned in a vat of whisky in a Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We had his body cremated and it took three days to put the fire out. Still, it helped keep the house warm, although the moany old bag next door complained about the awful smell coming out of our chimney. As Seamus wasn’t due to retire for another three months, we put his ashes in an egg-timer so he could carry on working until the end and receive his full pension. Last Thursday I went to the doctor. I didn’t feel ill, but I thought I’d better go as he might have thought there was something wrong if I didn’t. The doctor stuck a small glass tube in my mouth and told me to keep it shut for ten minutes. Your father begged him to sell it to him.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mum
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"
Стих не смешной, но очень хороший.
Don’t quit!
When things go wrong as they sometimes will.
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill.
When funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might won had he stuck it out:
Don’t give up though the pace seem slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that YOU MUST NOT QUIT.
Author unknown
Пока всё. Исчезаю, остаётся только улыбка.
