Immigration officer (I.O.) - Your name?
Visitor - Halib Kyzim Hattab
I.O. - Sex?
V. - Yes, four times
I.O. - I mean, male or female.
V. - Yes - male, female... and sometimes camel.
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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl and says, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite," the mother warns.
"Okay," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions that are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Enough questions now, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "why is that?"
The girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
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A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the Wife suddenly looks over at her husband and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases. "I want the
house," she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the husband speeds up, to eighty mph. She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's up to ninety mph. "All right," she said "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The Husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This
makes her a bit nervous, so she says,"Isn't there anything you want?"
The Husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," she says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says,
"The airbag."
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In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they dont have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
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Еще один "баян"
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and he married the one with the largest breasts.
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. Embassy Suites charges $ 147. We do it here for $50, ....and get $43 back from Medicare.”
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